The power of laughter and play
Playful communication is one of the most effective
tools for keeping relationships exciting, fresh, and
vital. Laughter and play enrich your interactions and
give your relationships that extra zing that keeps them
interesting, light, and enjoyable. This shared pleasure
creates a sense of intimacy and connection—qualities
that define solid, lasting relationships.
People are attracted to happy, funny individuals.
Laughter draws others to you and keeps them by your
side. When you laugh with one another, a positive bond
is created. This bond acts as a strong buffer against
stress, disagreements, and disappointment. And laughter
really is contagious—just hearing laughter primes your
brain to smile and join in on the fun.
Playful communication helps you:
- Connect to others. Your health
and happiness depend, to a large degree, on the
quality of your relationships—and laughter binds
people together.
- Smooth over differences. Using
gentle humor often helps you broach sensitive
subjects, resolve disagreements, and reframe
problems.
- Feel relaxed and energized at the same
time. Laughter relieves fatigue and relaxes
your body, while also recharging your batteries and
helping you accomplish more.
- Overcome problems and setbacks.
A sense of humor is the key to resilience. It helps
you take hardships in stride, weather
disappointment, and bounce back from adversity and
loss.
- Put things into perspective.
Most situations are not as bleak as they appear to
be when looked at from a playful and humorous point
of view.
- Be more creative. Humor and
playfulness loosen you up, energizing thinking and
inspiring creative problem solving.
The health benefits of laughter
Laughter and playfulness also come with numerous
physical and mental health benefits. Laughter triggers a
host of healthy changes in your brain and body.
Laughter helps you stay healthy by:
- Boosting your mood
- Decreasing stress hormones
- Improving oxygen flow to the brain
- Reducing physical pain
- Lowering blood pressure
- Strengthening the immune system
- Protecting the heart
- Relaxing your body
Mental health benefits of laughter and humor
The mental health benefits of laughter are tied to
the physical benefits. When your body is relaxed and
energized, you are better able to think and communicate
clearly. This helps you keep your own emotions in check,
relate in a positive way to others, and resolve
conflict.
Laughter is a particularly powerful antidote to
depression and anxiety. Having a sense of humor offsets
depression and anxiety by:
- Releasing endorphins. When you
laugh, your brain releases endorphins, powerful
chemicals that boost mood and override sadness and
negative thoughts.
- Putting things into perspective.
Most situations are not as bleak as they appear to
be when looked at from a playful and humorous point
of view.
- Connecting us to others. Our
mental health depends, to a large degree, on the
quality of our relationships—and laughter binds
people together.
Better
Health Through Humor, Laughter, and Play
Laughter is strong medicine for both the body and
the mind. It helps you stay balanced, energetic,
joyful, and healthy. To learn more about how to
harness its powerful effects, read
Laughter is the Best Medicine: The Health Benefits
of Humor.
Playful communication in
relationships tip #1: Make sure both partners are in on
the joke
Humor and playfulness strengthen relationships—but
only when both people are in on the joke. It’s important
to be sensitive to the other person. If your partner,
friend, or colleague isn’t likely to appreciate the
joke, don’t say or do it, even if it’s “all in good
fun.” When playfulness is one-sided rather than mutual,
it undermines trust and goodwill and damages the
relationship. Consider the following example:
Michelle’s feet are always cold
when she gets into bed, but she has what she thinks
is a playful solution. She heats up her icy feet by
placing them on her husband Kevin’s warm body.
However, this isn’t a game he enjoys. Kevin has
repeatedly told Michelle that he doesn’t appreciate
being used as a foot warmer, but she just laughs at
his complaints. Lately, Kevin has taken to sleeping
at the far edge of the bed, a solution that
distances them as a couple.
Playful communication in relationships should be
equally fun and enjoyable for both people. If your
friend or partner doesn’t think your joking or teasing
is funny—it’s not. So before you start playing
around, take a moment to consider your motives, as well
as your partner or friend’s state of mind and sense of
humor.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you feel calm, clear-headed, and connected to
the other person?
- Is your true intent to communicate positive
feelings—or are you taking a dig, expressing anger,
or laughing at the other person’s expense?
- Are you sure that the joke will be understood
and appreciated?
- Are you aware of the emotional tone of the
nonverbal messages you are sending? Are you giving
off positive, warm signals or a negative,
aggressive, or hostile tone?
- Are you sensitive to the nonverbal signals the
other person is sending? Do they seem open and
receptive to your humor, or closed-off and offended?
- Are you willing and able to back off if the
other person responds negatively to the joke?
- If you say or do something that offends, is it
easy for you to immediately apologize?
Playful communication in
relationships tip #2: Use humor to defuse conflict
When conflict and disagreement throw a wrench in your
relationships, humor and playfulness can help lighten
things up and restore a sense of connection. Used
skillfully and respectfully, playful humor can turn
conflict into an opportunity for shared fun and
intimacy. It allows you to get your point across without
getting the other person’s defenses up or hurting their
feelings. For example:
Lori’s husband comes home sweaty
and dirty from his job. This turns her off, and she
can’t imagine being intimate with him under these
circumstances. But when she says he should take a
bath, he gets angry and accuses her of not
appreciating what he does for a living. So instead,
Lori turns on the water, begins playfully peeling
off his clothes, and joins him in the tub.
Alex is retired, but he still
goes up on the roof to clean the gutters. His wife,
Angie, has told him numerous times that it scares
her when he gets up there on the ladder. Today,
instead of her usual complaints, she yells up to
him, “You know, it’s husbands like you who turn
wives into nags.” Alex laughs and comes down from
the roof.
Humor and playfulness—free or hurtful sarcasm or
ridicule—neutralize conflict by helping you:
- Interrupt the power struggle,
instantly easing tension and allowing you to
reconnect and regain perspective.
- Be more spontaneous. Shared
laughter and play helps you break free from rigid
ways of thinking and behaving, allowing you to see
the problem in a new way and find a creative
solution.
- Be less defensive. In playful
settings, we hear things differently and can
tolerate learning things about ourselves that we
otherwise might find unpleasant or even painful.
- Let go of inhibitions. Laughter
opens us up, freeing us to express what we truly
feel and allowing our deep, genuine emotions to rise
to the surface.
Playful communication in
relationships tip #3: Don’t use humor to cover up other
emotions
Humor and shared playfulness help you stay resilient
in the face of life’s challenges. But there are times
when humor is not healthy—when it is used as a
cover for avoiding, rather than coping with, painful
emotions. Laughter can be a disguise for feelings of
hurt, fear, anger, and disappointment that you don’t
want to feel or don’t know how to express.
You can be funny about the truth—but covering up the
truth isn’t funny. When you use humor and playfulness as
a cover for other emotions, you create confusion and
mistrust in your relationships. The following are
examples of misplaced humor:
Mike is a constant jokester.
Nothing ever seems to get him down and he never
takes anything seriously. No matter what happens to
him or to anyone else, he makes a joke out of the
situation. In reality, Mike is scared to death of
dark feelings, conflict, and intimacy. He uses humor
to avoid uncomfortable feelings and to keep other
people at arm’s length.
Sharon is often jealous and
possessive with her boyfriend Kevin. But she has
never learned to openly discuss her insecurities and
fears. Instead, she uses what she thinks is humor to
express her feelings. However, her “jokes” usually
having a biting, almost hostile edge and do not seem
at all funny to Kevin, who responds with coldness
and withdrawal.
For cues as to whether or not humor is being used to
conceal other emotions, ask yourself the following
questions:
- Do nonverbal communication signals—such as tone
of voice, intensity, timing—feel genuinely humorous
to you, or do you experience them as forced or “not
right” somehow?
- Is humor the only emotion you routinely express,
or is there a mixture of other emotions that at
least occasionally includes sadness, fear, and
anger?
Improving your playful
communication skills
It’s never too late to develop and embrace your
playful, humorous side. Self-consciousness and concern
for how you look and sound to others is probably a big
factor that’s limiting your playfulness. But as a baby,
you were naturally playful; you didn’t worry about the
reactions of other people.
You can reclaim your inborn playfulness by setting
aside regular, quality playtime. The
more you joke, play, and laugh—the easier it becomes.
Cultivating your sense of humor and playfulness
The process of learning to play depends on your
preferences. Begin by observing what you already do that
borders on fun or playful. For example, do you like:
- telling or listening to jokes
- watching funny movies or TV shows
- dancing around to cheesy music when you’re
alone
- singing in the shower
- daydreaming
- reading the funny pages
After you recognize things you already enjoy, you can
try to incorporate more playful activities into your
life. The important thing is to find enjoyable
activities that loosen you up and help you embrace your
playful nature with other people.
Another excellent way to learn playfulness is to
practice with “experts”:
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Play with animals. Puppies,
kittens, and other animals—both young and
old—are eager playmates and always ready to
frolic. Make play dates with friends’ pets, stop
to play with a friendly animal in your
neighborhood, or consider getting a pet of your
own.
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Play with babies and young children.
The real authorities in human play are children,
especially young children. Playing with children
who know and trust you is a wonderful way to
learn from the experts.
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Interact playfully with customer
service people. Most people in the
service industry are social and you’ll find that
many will welcome playful banter. Try your wit
out on a friendly cashier, receptionist, waiter,
hostess, or salesperson.
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As humor and play become an integrated part of your
life, you should find new opportunities for play daily.
Playful communication is one of the
five key skills of emotional intelligence
The ability to use humor and playfulness to deal with
challenges is the fourth of five essential emotional
intelligence skills. Together, the five skills of
emotional intelligence help you build strong
relationships, overcome challenges, and succeed at work
and in life.
The fifth key skill of emotional intelligence is the
ability to resolve conflicts positively and with
confidence. When conflict is mismanaged, it can harm
relationships. But when handled in a respectful and
positive way, conflict can increase intimacy and trust.
By learning the skills you need for successful conflict
resolution, you can keep your personal and professional
relationships strong and growing.
